(Preface: I have been elected to write my intermediate family's news for the big big newsletter that everyone in my large extended family network receives. I find this a great possibility to spread my own ideas and propaganda. Here is the latest example of my rebellion against being given this assignment.)
Hello Dearest of Families,
Our daddy just got home from China and we are truly happy to have him here. We are also getting really excited for OUR trip to Asia at the end of April. I'm completely guessing at that guest list, but I think it includes all the children from Sam on up. According to Dad, the Chinese people admire tall, blue eyed, blonds. Which means that Bonnie and Kate will soon be discovered as Chinese super-models, while I (Claire Valene) will probably be left there due to my dark hair and minimal height. I hope you all miss me enough to form a search party. I'll really love rice, but not that much. Since all the younger members of this brood are very jealous of this up-coming trip, I suggest you you help rub in the fact that they are being left at home to fend for themselves (or that Whitney will be watching them . . . whichever is easiest, really). This is probably most effective by dropping facts about the culture, rubbing your stomach and commenting on how divine the cuisine is, and (if applicable) learn how to effectively swear in Chinese. The subtle nuance of each snub will either go right over their little heads or really burn them up . . . I am evilly rubbing my hands together now. But we love the little ones, and hope they all don't kill each other before we get home with their souvenirs.